Strange
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married