I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Awesome parenting 😂
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted