We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.