I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*