Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
You Might Also Like
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.