Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.