My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions