I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
When libraries troll their patrons.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.