running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
no their not
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Remember folks 😂
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?