Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
why I oughta
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.