Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
You Might Also Like
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
wish me luck lads
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Welcome
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???