Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You Might Also Like
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.