ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Oops
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Oh we’ve met.
Made something I’m not proud of
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂