I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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HOW DARE YOU
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]