Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
What kind of a cult is this?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
How dude HOW?!
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Canadian owl: Eh?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?