Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.