[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
⚠️ Important Reminder:
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?