Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*