I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
2022: I can fix it
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines