7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Fidel Castro was alive?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome