Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Education is vital
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”