I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.