Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you鈥檙e my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I鈥檝e been buying men鈥檚 hoodies for years for myself. It鈥檚 all about skipping the middle man.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
She鈥檚 a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don鈥檛 have to meet with their teachers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
6YO said she鈥檒l never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
#Caturday
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Lionel Richie: 馃幎hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It鈥檚 not that complicated.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you鈥檙e the one who wanted to be in construction. I should鈥檝e married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn鈥檛 have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.