Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.