Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Stop sending me this shit.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
This raises questions
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Traveler’s camo
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here