It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs