[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?