“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Salad is the decaf of food.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*