I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button