Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
This is not me but this is me
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.