Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.