Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Time heals everything 🙂
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.