How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The only equipped I am is ill.
Monday Lisa
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to