I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
You Might Also Like
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
how to market bottled water to dads
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.