WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad