I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
No, he would not have.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT