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why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Found my door mat
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
based al yankovic