Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
what it’s like dating me:
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Netflix: We have Less
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
That’s what I call a flat tire
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….