Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Welcome
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Who.
Did.
This?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.