In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)