*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.