[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon