If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
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Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
God, I love Scotland
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???