30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle