Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
She puts the hot in psychotic
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes