teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
This is my pinned tweet
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.