science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
lmfao
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.