I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.