People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.