I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.